I have worked on this painting off and on since your birthday, after we placed the painted rocks for you at Lane Spring and Blossom Rock. I decided to finish it for you for what would have been our anniversary today. I have an unrelenting ache in my soul for reality to be different…that I could wake up from this horrific nightmare and you would to still be here with me. Instead I’m left here trying to pick up the shards of my shattered heart and life that will forever be missing the pieces you took with you the night you took yourself. I don’t want to believe you are actually gone. Some days I am so angry you left and then I feel guilty for feeling angry. 113 days without you and it is still just as raw and horrific as it was that night. I am drowning. I can’t do this. I want your tight bear hugs and sweet kisses back. I lost me when I lost you. You were my world. I want to believe that my painting is exactly how it is now…you always with me wherever I am, that beautiful smile on your face, and your strong arm around me. The depths of my darkness and pain are indescribable by any words that exist, but I know my anguish is a manifestation of all of the love I had left to give you. I will never be able to stop grieving the loss of you because I will never stop loving you. I am forever grateful for you and the beautiful family you brought me into. You told me many times that if there is something after this life, you hoped it is like the Mormons believe…that we are married and together for life and afterlife. God I hope that is the case. Happy would-be anniversary, my love. I love you forever and always. 💔
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